Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize