When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
