My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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