TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Don't tell me you're on acid again
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
