We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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