On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
