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I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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