Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
