He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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