So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
