just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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