Your face is a jimmy john
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize