So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
