He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
