I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
