My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
