This dress was meant to end up on your floor
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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