the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
