The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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