you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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