also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize