Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
