MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize