I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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