i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
