i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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