U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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