I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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