Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
