Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am one with the molecules
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
