I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
