maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you had me at cake vodka
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is her dick bigger than yours?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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