i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
