Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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