The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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