Just cropdusted the office
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
