Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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