from now on my penis is your penis
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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