I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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