I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
