All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
