First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
