Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize