I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
