at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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