It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
