I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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