first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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