He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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