hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
