He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
