I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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