New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
