Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
