Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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