my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
