Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
