Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
