I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
