Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
