Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
