There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
