I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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