Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This is classic penis vs brain.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
