Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
