I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
